Whisky makes you a man right?
Well some women would probably put down the glass at this point as becoming a hairy bloke who relies on his mum too much has little appeal to most. I should know, I asked my mum.
And what is a man’s drink? Is whisky a man’s drink?
I needed to get to the heart of the matter, so I ‘googled it’ using the computer-cat-video-finder. Thought I might as well see what else is on this interweb thing.
I immediately found a useful guide to the manliest drinks out there. Wow, what else could this internet thing do? Seems to know a lot that’s for sure. I might check the number 52 bus times later – could you imagine if it knew that?…
Anyway, I’m not sure what I was expecting but I was keen to know how manly my drinks were and ultimately our bottlings.
The Scotch Whisky Association create the guidance for labels and they are very clear that you cannot suggest that drinking whisky makes you more manly or is a rite of passage to mandom. This explains the lack of a manly rating on the bottles I purchase. We have alcohol by volume (ABV) as a percentage so perhaps we could have manliness by volume (MBV) too? Instead we must rely on our useful internet guide to help us uncover the manliness of our whisky.
The first drink on the list was pretty crass, so I won’t even mention it. Can’t imagine what it was doing amongst this surely well researched data. But in at number 2 was a Whisky Smash and number 3 was Whisky on the Rocks. So far, so manly. There’s a fair few on the list that are essentially whisky cocktails of some description, all served in very serious looking variations of the tumbler, so overall whisky seemed pretty manly. I checked a few other lists (to my surprise there were a lot of results in my cat video search engine) and it was pretty conclusive. Whisky was manly. Especially served in a tumbler with ice and a cigar and carefully accessorized with Brad Pitt.
Now we generally bottle at cask strength so I’m wondering whether this increases the manliness? Perhaps the MBV is directly proportionate to the ABV? Maybe that’s why there is no MBV as the ABV gives you that information already. Well, let’s put it to the test and have a look at the ABV of a woman’s drink and compare and contrast. There’s nothing like scientific rigour so I asked the cat video browser for help once more.
Ah. It’s not the ABV. Some women’s drinks also have high ABVs – what a mind job this was turning out to be!
Help was at hand though. The problem is, I read, that some drinks like whisky and rum are ‘hard’ drinks when compared to say vodka. Therefore, women prefer vodka. They don’t like hard drinks. In America vodka is classed as ‘hard liquor’ though, isn’t it? I mean it’s just distilled spuds instead of barley, right? A minor detail we shall overlook in the interest of science.
The thrifty part of me can see some cost savings here. My wife, as you may know, really enjoys whisky but if I buy a nice bottle of vodka (£15- £20) she probably wouldn’t touch ‘my’ whisky anymore. It’s lack of access to vodka that’s driven her to a ‘hard’ drink against her inner desires. Poor woman. She’ll be glad of my news. Though I can’t help feeling a little guilty, forcing her to ‘enjoy’ whisky all these years. It’ll pass, especially when I see the glee on her face.
Checking more results, I found that women like fancy glasses and fruity things. Men did not. A small wedge of lime forced against its will to perch upon the side of the glass is fine but that’s it. Women want fruit and more fruit, with fruity booze, cherries on sticks and small paper umbrellas should the weather change suddenly. Fancy Lilt and vodka essentially. I’ll bob that on the shopping list and see what accessories I can find in the craft box – pretty sure I can do something with pipe cleaners and plasticine.
Expecting heaps of praise, I presented my wife with the drink I had assembled based, scientifically, on her as yet unknown desires . They didn’t have any Lilt at the supermarket, so I went for Irn Bru – she uses that to recover after manly drinks so it seemed like a good idea. I’d even found some glace cherries at the back of the cupboard (those things don’t really go out of date, do they?) and popped one on a toothpick. I served it indoors to negate the need for the umbrella.
To my surprise she felt the drink looked better served on me and duly obliged. Wiping the sweet orange cocktail from may face I pointed to the newly acquired vodka with incredulity, but this did not appease her now quite agitated and loudly animated mood. I showed her my research and a couple of choice cat videos for good measure, but the data only seemed to increase her already heightened sense of punching me in the balls.
She poured herself a whisky and told me to f*@k off.
We’ve reconciled now as it turns out that only knuckle dragging baboons and idiotic dotard dinosaurs think along the lines of manly and womanly drinks. My wife was not willing to admit she may have married one of those awful human beings so I’m off the hook.
Turns out that my research is the kind of total crap we should all ignore and if you do think along the lines of manly and womanly drinks, you’re a prick. Google it, you are. Don’t shoot the messenger.